un-live

I want to enter a parallel universe in which I am aware, but not alive.

listlessnesses

Full of life and other stupid things, I set out to do nothing (and do it well).  Instead of doing nothing, I did a lot of something that just seemed to AMOUNT to nothing.  "You do nothing well!"  "Well...you certainly do nothing. Oh well."  "You're not well! You do absolutely nothing!"  "You fell down a well doing nothing, OH WELL."  And the quotable continue quoting themselves, imagining their fingers forming invisible quote signs with their hands as they speak.  That's true.  Can't deny the truth, even when the truth is usually not worth telling (not in daily conversation, at least).  If I could shut my mouth for ten seconds, maybe I could tell the truth?  Maybe it's ...

NOT 

WORTH 

TELLING.

Then, nothing turned inside-out, and something became everything -- up side facing down.  To make a long story short: I've been there and back, mostly around and down.

shatter down

It's weird to see an ending thing, when we really only want to see beginning things.  

Sweet sunshine and warm nostalgia -- one place isn't the same place forever

.... and therein lies the problem.

Nightly Poison

The other night, I saw three infomercials I've never seen on television before. And, 

believe me, I am a connoisseur of late-night television,

so this is kind of bizarre.

Here is a clip from one of them:

I'm glad I have these precious treasures to lull me to sleep at 4 AM.

PS: Klee really is a dead ringer for John Waters. Just sayin.

Ends

Impending death, expected death, the grey funeral song of winter... all things that compel one to travel long lengths during a short day.  

Not sure what I think, not sure if I'm even thinking.

One of these things once = all of these things forever.  

So strange, and sudden.

Time is such a bizarre, short thing.  (The emphasis on short.)  Most of this is left unrealized until it goes from being a short thing to being a heavy thing.

Time is heavier than it has been in a while, right now.

dreamSCRAPES

The other day I woke up from a dream (that I do not remember), scratching across my ribcage with my pointer finger.  I felt a strange burning, as if a cat had scratched me, but it was 5am so I was way too tired to worry about it.  (Also worth mentioning: the Klee Irwin colon cleanse informercial was blasting on my TV.)  I woke up later that morning with a chunk of skin under my pointer fingernail, and I instantly remembered waking up scratching myself.  I got in the shower, the scratch swelled up and burned under the warm water, like a fresh wound.  I'm kind of confused, dreams and realistic pain have been a theme with me lately, though I always believed the pain to be mostly imagined (such as the pain in the teeth dreams).  It's really strange to realize I actually inflicted pain upon myself in a dream, most people are in a semi-paralytic state during dreaming.  I am a former sleepwalker, and maybe I am capable of dreaming and overcoming the restraints this semi-paralytic state places on the human body.  

Regardless, ugh.... unsettling.

My thoughts are edible things (evidently).  The strangest of the strange things being that:

Every dream I've had lately has involved root-melted, bloody, dangling, lassoed-by-a-nerve-sinew, teeth hanging out of my gums.

... In these dreams, I feel situational pain -- the kind of stinging pain I would not get from simply having a case of teeth-grinding amidst sleep.

A years time, in rational thinking, would have eradicated this strange dilemma.  But...no.  No.  NO... this has been haunting me for about.... 2 years to the day.

"On many an idle day, I've grieved over lost time.  Moaned, and groaned, and rolled my bones... but there is no lost time." 

living

I AM LIVING INSIDE OF THIS COMPUTER.

hey...

hey you --

it's winter out there. 

(good thing it's warm inside of a computer.)

longhorn lobotomy

I can't seem to focus on finishing one drawing right now. Instead, I'm manically working on about 12 -- overworking them to the point of ridiculousness and back (just the way I like it).

I had a dream last night that I suddenly decided to move to Chicago, but I had to drive there myself. I google mapped it in my dream, and it came out to be 11.5 hours, and the bizarre thing is -- I've never Google Mapped Chicago before, so there is no way I'd know the length of the drive. I woke up today, and I Google Mapped it out of curiosity, to see how close I was...and I was right on (11 hrs 28 min, says Google). A lot of weird stuff happened then, but that's extraneous (involving plastic, glowing santa heads in my car, and lost keys to a mysterious spirit-filled house I was supposed to live in for a week) . Maybe I should move to Chicago, maybe that's what this means. Maybe I also need to find a job and build some sort of a productive adult life, since I'm drawing 12 drawings at once and having dreams about Google Maps, wanderlust, and glowing santa heads.

Anyway, here's a simpler drawing I have (actually) finished. (My scanner is horrible, beware of that).

that silly grey matter

returning.

after trying out tumblr for a little...i've decided: blogspot it is.

a horrible attention span coupled with impatience is a deadly cocktail. i enjoy drinking it DAILY.

anyway...i'm working on a video. It is a compilation of videos i filmed this summer into indian summer. it's an autobiographical documentary...of sorts. and trust me, i use the term loosely. it's going to involve music, animation and other assorted insanity eventually, right now i'm just editing the clips in a very raw manner. i have a preview video edited, i'm going to post it here. this is an extremely rough sketch, but worth viewing nonetheless, especially if you don't like to think. (i don't want anyone to think when they watch this.)

disconnected memory strain is a brain pain, a pain in my brain that i gotta learn to DRAIN.
oh, grey matter -- you are so SILLY!



-kcr